Working Mom Fail

There was never a time in my adult life where I contemplated not working.  Sure, I dream of having a sugar daddy who toils away while I spend my day lunching, shopping, exercising (not really, but I'd feel really guilty if I left this one out), volunteering, and going to the spa, but in *reality* I knew I would always work.  I admire stay-at-home moms and sometimes wish for that life, but I love my job and I love my kids and this is the life for us.  I know that I am a better parent because I work, for a number of reasons, the details of which I will spare you.  It's a decision we made years ago and haven't looked back or even tried to find a way to make it work otherwise.  Side note:  I'd love to say that the working mommy gig is also why I don't post to this blog as often as I would like, but several of you supermom friends of mine put me to shame as full time mommies with full time jobs, all the while managing many more blogposts than I.  So, I won't go there.

You know by now that I occasionally travel for my work.  It's not often, but it does happen.  And when I travel, it is not close.  It's not cross country or international, but I'm not getting there in a couple of hours either.  It is also not always negotiable, as to time and date that I need to be somewhere.  It is rare to find a judge who asks if a hearing date or trial date is "good" for me.  Now, if I had a conflict of the legal kind, arrangements could be made, but not this time.

Having said all that, I write to you today about what happens when the working mommy guilt sets in.  First of all, I am writing about this now because the events I speak of are next week and if I write about it next week, I will cry.  Don't you already feel bad for me?

So, Justus starts Kindergarten on the 27th.  It's been on my calendar for a year, nothing else happens that day.  Period.  What I didn't account for was that there would be new parent orientation and meet the teacher nights the week before school starts.  I found out recently that I have to be 6 hours away on Meet the Teacher day, which also makes me miss Orientation the night before because I have to be there at 9 a.m.  There's a small chance I can fly (and by "fly," I'm talking about driving a rental at warp speed because I do work for the government and we rarely get to literally fly) back and make part of Meet the Teacher, but it all depends on the judge.  The judge that I heard just yesterday sees his 9 a.m. docket settings as more of an advisory, and it really means 9:30 or 10:00.  Sinking in the pit of my stomach sets in firmly.  I'm seriously not going to be there when my son, my first born, finds out who his first "real" school teacher is and when he meets her for the first time, and when he walks into his kindergarten class for the very first time.  Major life event and I won't be there because I have a Motion for Summary Judgment hearing that morning on the other side of the state.  BOOOOOO! 

Generally, the fact that I work is not an issue and I know it's the right choice for our family.  But at this moment, when I think about missing this monumental moment (Justus is totally unaffected, by the way), I just writhe with angst.  I worry that he's going to, as an adult, look back and be completely disappointed in me as a parent.  Might he think he takes second chair to my work?  That I would rather be working than doing fun things or school functions with him?  Did I mention he's totally unaffected by the fact that only his dad is going to Meet the Teacher?  So yes, I understand that I'm somewhat delusional in my concerns, but that guilt gets ahold of my heart and just takes it to the depths I never knew existed.

So, those of you who deal with the working mommy guilt--know that you are not alone.  I know you already know it, but in this moment, feel very much that you are in good company.  And please pray that I get back next Thursday afternoon by 4:00.  Even though it's a longshot.